Memo to REInvestors everywhere:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve
the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks so keep that in mind. However, your
children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to
be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us:
There is no danger of the Grinch’s stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
“These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a
Mountain Dew and pork rinds [or a Moon Pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an
empty spit-can handy.
Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen’s head now hangs over Bubba’s fireplace.
You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.,” when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Gordon, on Elliott and
“Ho, Ho, Ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to
hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I heard dat!”
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.”
The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and
“It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you’ll see “Ernest Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV”
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
And finally, Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make
sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
The happiest of holidays and a great investing New Year from:
John $Cash$ Locke